I Don't Want To Be A Champion
by The Bickering Kingdom
Summary: From pure genius to downright bizarre things HarryPotter will do to get out of being in the Triwizard Tournament. Rated T for mild swearing in some chapters. Crackfic
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

Harry had a cunning plan to get himself out of the Triwizard tournament, all he needed to do was visit Dumbledore in his office and by dinner time he'd no longer have to take part in the tournament.

Hermione kept telling him the plan was ridiculous, but Harry was sure she was jealous about not thinking of it first.

Harry decided that not getting killed in the tournament was way more important than going to class and went to Dumbledore's office instead; with a quick mutter of the words " Cockroach cluster" he was inside.

"Harry, what can do for you today?," Dumbledore asked, not looking up from the papers on his desk.

"I'm not Harry, I am Herbert Joe Potter. I am his secret twin brother who was kidnapped on the night our parents died," Harry said, which got Dumbledore's undivided attention right away.

"You are Harry James Potter, you do not have a twin brother or any siblings at all. And if you did, they wouldn't be called Herbert."

"Herbert is a good name," Harry responded, looking offended. "But I'm not getting into an argument over names, I'm here to tell you that my brother Harry has decided to go traveling so he won't be able to participate in the Triwizard tournament.".

"Harry, you are participating in the tournament whether you go around calling yourself Herbert, Lord of Doom or Bob," Dumbledore told a scowling Harry. "Now go to whatever class you should be in".

"I'll go, but this isn't over. I will find a way out of being in the tournament" Harry promised.

AN: Thank you for reading and please leave a review. 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

AN1: Thank you to everyone who left a review.

Hermione was sitting reading in an armchair in the Gryffindor common room when Ron told her that Harry was doing something odd in the boys dorm and she had to ask what he was doing.

Well, his exact words were "Harry's up to something in the boys dorm and we're still not speaking so could you find out what's he doing".

Usually Hermione would tell him to "Grow up and sort things out with Harry", but since Harry had decided that he needed to do something extreme to get out of the Triwizard tournament she'd been worried.

* * *

"Harry, what are you doing?" Hermione asked, the boy-who-lived who'd made a pretty big puddle of red paint on the floor.

"Faking my death so I can go live in the chamber of secrets" Harry explained, putting a dummy that bore no resemblance to him in the red paint. "It'd be a great help if you told Dumbledore that you witnessed by twin brother Herbert murder me and that he then fled to live the rest of his life in Australia".

Hermione stood there for a few seconds trying to decide which way was the best way to reply to Harry.

"Harry, I will not lie about you being murdered and you are not faking your death or going to live in the chamber of secrets" Hermione told him in a scolding tone, which made Harry start pouting.

"I never get to do anything I want to do," Harry whined. "If I get killed or horribly hurt in the tournament, then it's yours and Dumbledore's fault".

"Look, I'll help you get out of the tournament, Harry as long as it doesn't involve fake twin brother's or faking your death".

"What about telling everyone I've been kidnapped by goblins?," Harry asked.

AN2: Thank you for reading and please leave a review.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers.

Harry had locked himself in the potions classroom after Hermione gave him the news the only way out of the tournament was death, not faking his death but actual death.

So Harry was sulking and for some odd reason he thought the potions classroom was the perfect place to sulk.

This wouldn't have been a problem if Snape wasn't supposed to be teaching a class of first years, except he couldn't because he and the students were locked out.

"Potter, you have one minute to get out of the classroom or you'll be spending the rest of your life scrubbing cauldrons" Professor Snape hissed angrily outside his own classroom.

"Seeing as I'm going to die horribly in a tournament that I don't want to be in any day now that isn't much of a threat" Harry said, annoyed that his sulking time was being interrupted.

"Potter, you won't have to worry about dying in the tournament because I will kill you if you don't come out" Snape threatened, he knew he was losing his cool, but the brat like his father was enough to test the patience of a saint.

"I'm definitely not coming out now, I mean only an idiot would come out after a death threat. You should have tried bribing me first, then threatening"

"It wasn't a threat Potter it was a promise" "I'm so scared now why do you have handcuffs in your desk draw?" Harry asked, looking through Snape's desk.

"Potter you keep out of there, I mean it Potter stop what you doing now!" Snape ordered, Harry was completely ignoring him.

"Oh My Merlin you have a diary I cannot wait to read it" Harry said, opening it to the first page. 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own Harry Potter.

A massive thank you to my readers and reviewers.

Harry eventually threatened out of the potions classroom by Hermione. The traumatizing experience of reading what was in Snape's diary was deemed punishment enough for the whole thing.

What was in it Harry wouldn't say, although he kept mumbling something about his mum.

After a few days of getting over his trauma he had a new plan.

"Hey Minnie, so I've got some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that Dumbledore has been killed by a gang of coconuts and pineapples but the good news is his dying words were cancel the tournament in honor of my memory, then there was something about chocolate, but I wasn't paying attention anymore" Harry informed, his head of house in a tone that was so serious that if whole story wasn't so ridiculous she might have believed him.

"Mister Potter, I am not happy about you being in the tournament and if there were a way for me to get you out of it I would have already but there isn't. So telling me ridiculous stories isn't going to help you" Professor McGonagall told him completely ignoring the fact he had called her "Minnie".

"What if Dumbledore actually died because I'm pretty sure Hermione could kill him and make it look like an accident?" Harry asked.

"No, and I'm pretty sure like myself that Miss Granger would not kill unless it was absolutely necessary to her own survival or to protect innocent people"

"I think you're right, oh well I'll have to think of a new plan maybe one where I get superpowers" 


End file.
